Page 4 of 562 FirstFirst 1234567891454104504 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 5614

Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Indianapolis, IN
    Posts
    967

    Default One Man's Good Fight

    I had to bring this back to life in here...

    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, got to go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could have warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

    Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...


  2. #32
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    U.K.
    Posts
    1,495
    The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think
    25 to life would be appropriate.
    --Jay Leno

    America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
    --Jay Leno

    Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
    A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
    --Conan O'Brien

    Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
    A: A fund raiser.
    --Jay Leno

    Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
    A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
    The other is for housing prisoners.
    -- David Letterman

    Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
    and it started to sink, who would be saved?
    A: America!
    --Jimmy Fallon

    Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
    A: Bo has papers.
    --Jimmy Kimmel

    Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
    A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
    -- David Letterman

  3. #33
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    NW Washington
    Posts
    1,822
    Since we are reposting a few of the classics that got lost with the other thread....

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end, so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

    The first thing that learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance....That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving forward, so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would I have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

    While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves, and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery did not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all. Besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it doesn't immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

    Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty badly and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I'd just come from a brawl. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened!"

    I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear, not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him, "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence of the attack was all over my body.

    Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me, and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own.

    He did.

    Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people everyday, and as an outsider, a "city folk," I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there's he ignoramus" that tried to rope the deer.
    Aut vincere, aut mori. Sic itur ad astra.
    To conquer or to die. Thus one goes to the stars.

    "Cursed is he who does the work of the LORD with slackness, and cursed is he who keeps back his sword from bloodshed."
    Jeremiah 48:10 (ESV)


    "I spend so much time up this creek, you'd think by now I would've bought a paddle."

  4. #34
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Indianapolis, IN
    Posts
    967
    A Montana cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with E-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You’re a Member of Obama's White House Staff," says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

    "Now give me back my dog."


  5. #35
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    1,448

    Default Ventriloquist Cowboy

    A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch and decides to have a bit of fun
    with the rancher...


    Cowboy to Rancher:

    Cowboy: Is that your dog?
    Rancher: Yup.
    Cowboy: Mind if I talk to him?
    Rancher: Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk.
    Cowboy: So what's the harm? May I?
    Rancher: Go right ahead.

    Cowboy to dog:

    Dog; Howdy.
    Dog: Hello. (Rancher's eyes pop out)
    Cowboy: Is this your master? (pointing to the rancher)
    Dog: Yep, sure is.
    Cowboy: Does he treat you alright?
    Dog: Sure does, every day he takes me for a walk, he
    feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a
    week he takes me to the lake to play.

    Rancher is standing there dumbfounded.

    Cowboy to Rancher:

    Rancher: Is that your horse over there?
    Rancher: Yes.
    Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?
    Rancher: I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a
    fact that horses can't talk.
    Cowboy: Well then what would it hurt?
    Rancher: Go right ahead.

    Cowboy to horse:
    Cowboy: Hello.
    Horse: Hello.

    Rancher can't believe it.
    He stands there with his jaw wide open.

    Cowboy: Is that your owner?
    Horse: Yup, sure is.
    Cowboy: He treat you OK?
    Horse: Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at
    the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn
    away from the elements.
    Cowboy: Sounds good. (turns to the rancher) are those your
    sheep out here?

    Rancher is beside himself:

    Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, they're nuttin but
    a bunch of liars!!

  6. #36
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    1,448

    Default Virus Warning (This Is For Real!)

    Mods, I didn't know where to post this important information. If its in the wrong place, please move it.

    Thanks!

    John W in SC


    There is a old virus afoot, but it is back with a vengeance. The virus code
    name is WORK. If you receive WORK via e-mail from your colleagues, your
    boss, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This
    virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come
    in contact with this virus, take two friends including me and go straight to
    the nearest shooting range. Blast something immediately and after a hundred rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

    Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should
    you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
    infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life. If this is the
    case, go to the nearest shooting range and stay until you make at least five
    new friends.

    THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Western Montana
    Posts
    3,098
    A Pastor friend sent this to me.


    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.


    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


    The head monk says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'


    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.


    Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.


    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.


    'We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !'
    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is sobbing uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'


    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

    'CELEBRATE!!!'
    Is God Politically Correct? If not should you be? - F. Huff -- God is unchanging in His love. He loves you. He has a plan for your life. Don't let the newspaper headlines frighten you. God is still sovereign; He's still on the throne. - B. Graham -- No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority. - Robert A. Heinlein

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Western Montana
    Posts
    3,098
    Perhaps not a joke per se, but I was commenting to my wife about how many panhandlers I see that are becoming permanent local fixtures. They change locations from time to time but always stay local more or less. The thought occurred to me that like geocaching perhaps a new sport of “Hobo-caching” could be created.
    Is God Politically Correct? If not should you be? - F. Huff -- God is unchanging in His love. He loves you. He has a plan for your life. Don't let the newspaper headlines frighten you. God is still sovereign; He's still on the throne. - B. Graham -- No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority. - Robert A. Heinlein

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    746
    A man is at work, concentrating on a job well done as usual. His boss comes up to him and starts yelling at him. "Get out. You're fired. Don't let me see you in here again!!!"
    The man is understandibly upset but walks away. As he is driving home in his new Mercedes...BLAM...a teenager without insurance t-bones him.
    After the cops are finished with the report, he takes a bus home. When he enters his house, he hears sex noises coming from his bedroom. Moaning, groaning, howling and screaming.
    He opens the bedroom door and finds his wife having sex with his best friend.
    He goes ballistic. "Get out bi&*h!! I don't ever want to see you again!! You have any idea how terrible my day has been? GET OUT!!!"
    The wife leaves, crying.
    The man looks at his best friend and says...










    "BAD DOG!!!"
    If you knew you would fight for your life tomorrow, would it change the way you train today?

    Rom 13:4 For he is God's minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil.

    Train today for the things that others won't so tomorrow you can do what others can't

  10. #40
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    349
    George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

    As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
    The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
    Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks,my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

    The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
    Bush replied, 'Go ahead. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
    There is no security in life, only varying degrees of risk. Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •