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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #21
    WIG19 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by choirboy View Post
    I called my stockbroker yesterday and asked him what I should be buying.

    He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."
    That's sigline material.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Jack O' Bama
    Attached Images Attached Images

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Aug 2005

    Obama: the ultimate Pumpkin Boy!
    We don't have the Second Amendment because Bambi is coming.
    "Zen? Meh! Who needs it? All that effort to achieve nothingness and what do you got? Bupkis!"

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    NW Washington
    Quote Originally Posted by denko View Post
    Jack O' Bama

    (Pumpkin Head of the United States)
    Aut vincere, aut mori. Sic itur ad astra.
    To conquer or to die. Thus one goes to the stars.

    "Cursed is he who does the work of the LORD with slackness, and cursed is he who keeps back his sword from bloodshed."
    Jeremiah 48:10 (ESV)

    "I spend so much time up this creek, you'd think by now I would've bought a paddle."

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    The guy says, "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

    "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Nov 2006

    Default the law student....

    A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

    Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

    Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

    Student: "Ok. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

    Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

    Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

    The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

    The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

    To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

    "All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer:

    "Itís quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Humor is best when it has a seed of truth:


  8. #28
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Indianapolis, IN

    Default The Sensitive Man

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
    and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
    put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but she is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

    She doesn't mention this to him though.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
    his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each others
    clothes and have hot, steamy sex.

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
    more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
    they are lying there together in the afterglow.

    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
    looks deeply into her eyes, and says…









    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Phoenix, Arizona
    How can you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and a regular thermometer?

    the taste
    Greg "Hyena" Nichols
    Instagram: tacfit_az
    Facebook: SI Instructor Greg Nichols


    Always entertaining, mildly offensive
    IANative: Indeed, when you grab Brent (or he grabs you), it feels like liquid unobtanium wrapped in rawhide... whereas Greg is just solid muscle wrapped in hate, seasoned w/ snuff and a little lead.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Currently in Glenn Heights Texas

    Default Toothbrukshes

    Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.


    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their
    weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive

    Little Sally led off:
    I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30, she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:
    I sold magazines, she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
    magazines would keep them up on current events."

    Very good, Jenny, said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

    The teacher held her breath ...

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    I found the busiest corner in town, said Little Johnny,
    I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit! Then I would say "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free,
    and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth.

    The Shadow Knows, What Evil Lurks In The Hearts of Men!


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