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Thread: Humor Thread

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2004

    Default Humor Thread

    So it seems that we might need a new humor thread y'all, so I figured I'd start one. :D

    Here's an oldie but a goodie for ya!

    ================================================== ==============================

    Three friends, a priest, a Pentecostal minister and a rabbi got together two or three times a week for coffee and a chat.

    One day, one of them made a comment saying that preaching to people was not so difficult and that a real challenge would be to convert a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do the experiment:

    They would go into the forest, find a bear, preach to it and try to convert it to their respective faith.

    A week later they met to compare results.

    Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, several bandages all over his body and leaning on crutches, was the first:

    - Well, I went into the woods looking for the bear. When I met him, I began to read the catechism. The bear did not want to know anything about it and began to hit me with his huge arms. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him with it and by God and the Blessed Virgin, I swear he became meek as a lamb. The bishop will come next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in plaster and had serum connected to the other arm. In his fiery speechhe reported:

    - WELL, brothers, you KNOW that WE do not sprinkle people! When I found the bear I began to read the sacred words of the LORD. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed his arm and we began to fight. We rolled down the hill, then continue to struggle as we ROLLED UPHILL and re-rolled down to finish in a stream. I then quickly shoved his head in the water and baptized his hairy soul. And just as it happened to you, -he said looking at the priest- the bear became meek as a lamb and we spent the day praising Jesus.

    The priest and the reverend looked at the rabbi, who lay in a hospital bed. He had casts over his whole body, various supplies of medicines all around him, was receiving blood intravenously and had monitors hooked up all over the room.

    He could barely speak but he looked at them and said:

    - In retrospect, I believe that circumcision was not the best way to try to convert the bear.

    "Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too." Voltaire

    "A mile-long rationalization of one's good intentions will not obscure or excuse an inch of violation." Tom Sotis

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

    Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

    Preparing to write a check,

    She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

    And tries to write with it.

    When she realizes her mistake,

    She looks at the flabbergasted teller

    And without missing a beat, she says:

    'Well, that's great.... that's just great....

    Some azzhole's got my pen!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

    The Federal government employs more advanced strategies:
    1. Buying a stronger whip.
    2. Changing riders.
    3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
    4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
    5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
    6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
    7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
    8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
    9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
    10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
    the dead horse's performance.
    11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than live horses.
    12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
    13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with
    two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The
    game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
    'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
    ice chest and I take dem home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
    truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
    several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
    "When are you going to call them back?"
    "Call who back?"
    "The FISH!"
    "What fish?"

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    How do you make a dead puppy float?

    Two scoops of ice cream and two scoops of dead puppy.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Four friends from high school who hadn't seen each other in years decided to get together at one of their homes.. After catching up on what they had been doing since the old days, they got to bragging on their dogs.

    The Engineer called his dog over. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to The Engineer's brief case, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

    The Accountant said his dog could do better. "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone was suitably impressed.

    But The Chemist said his dog could go one better. He commanded, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure went in the kitchen, grabbed a quart of milk and a 10 ounce glass, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was excellent.

    Finally it was the Civil Servant's turn. He told the others "You ain't seen nothing yet." He kicked his sleeping hound off the couch and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!"

    Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, slurped down the milk, crapped on the paper, tried to hump the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and took the rest of the day off on sick leave.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure?"

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
    We don't have the Second Amendment because Bambi is coming.
    "Zen? Meh! Who needs it? All that effort to achieve nothingness and what do you got? Bupkis!"

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
    We don't have the Second Amendment because Bambi is coming.
    "Zen? Meh! Who needs it? All that effort to achieve nothingness and what do you got? Bupkis!"

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    $5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

    I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

    "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

    "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

    That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

    Faster than you can say gingko biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

    Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

    All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

    Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

    I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

    The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

    Another Bitter Clinger
    BHP - Belgian Horse Power

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2004

    Default Store Owner Kills Armed Robber

    Still out of breath and adrenaline pumping through his body, Smitty Wesson sat on the curb outside of his family owned grocery store described his near death ordeal at the hands of a knife wielding felon.

    At 9:15 this evening Mr. Wesson noticed a young man enter his family owned grocery store. The man walked around the store in a deliberate manner before approaching Smitty at the cash register where he reached into his coat and pulled out what Mr. Wesson says is the biggest damn knife he had ever seen in his life. Mr. Wesson said that it reminded him of the scene in Crocodile Dundee when Dundee produced his knife and said “Now this is a knife!”

    The next few minutes seemed like an eternity” explained Smitty. “I reached under the counter for my trusty Smith and Wesson model 19. As I tried to get my finger on the trigger I realized that I had installed a brand spanking new trigger lock on my gun. There was a pause in time as the would be robber looked at me and I looked at him and we both looked at the useless gun in my hand”.

    “I didn’t hesitate,” said Mr. Wesson. “I started running up and down the aisles of the store with my gun in my hand trying desperately to remember the friggin combination to the trigger lock. I ran down the soup aisle knocking Campbell's soup all over the floor. I saw all of those red and white cans rolling around, hoping it would stop the mad man, but he kept on coming. Next I ran down the baking isle where I was sure the Wesson corn oil would stop him, but he jumped over the slippery puddles and continued to pursue me. 666!, 123!, 357!, I kept trying different combinations of numbers to open my trigger lock, to no avail. I set the combination myself last week, but I never thought that I would have to open it in such a hurry. I always thought that I would have time to reach into my pocket for the slip of paper with the numbers on it.”

    “I ran down the feminine hygiene aisle and saw my life begin to flash before my eyes. Is this where it ends,” I thought, as I saw the blur of Tampax and Kotex Maxi pads while running past? “I decided to take flight into the parking lot and as I approached the automatic doors I remembered that I needed to make a service call on them because they opened too slowly. I burst through the doors with my attacker close behind. I could hear him breathing hard. Suddenly I remembered the combination. 911! I yelled 911 at the top of my lungs as my fingers scrambled to spin the tumblers of the lock. I remember how hard it was trying to unlock a combination lock while running for your life. My head was bobbing up and down like a little red and white bobber with a big bass on the line as I desperately tried to remove the blasted lock from the trigger of my 357.”

    “Finally, as I rounded a van in the parking lot the lock came free from my only means of defense. I went into horror though as I looked at the back end of the cylinder and realized that the gun was unloaded because it is a safety hazard to use a trigger lock on a loaded gun. I yelled out ‘shucks! and knew that the gun was not going to do me much good without some ammunition, which was back in the store behind the counter.”

    “I didn’t have time or any more energy to out run the punk for that distance so I threw my gun at him and he ducked as it sailed over his head. I heard glass break as it hit a windshield of a small car in the lot. I started for the store anyway when I had a strange thought that perhaps I should call 911 and wait for the police to arrive.

    As I was sprinting for the store, the robber was still chasing me. He was about fifteen yards behind me as I neared the doors. Suddenly and instinctively I recalled the trigger lock still in my trembling hand. I stopped, spun around, grabbed the trigger lock tightly in my right hand and with all of the desperation of a pitcher with two out and the bases loaded in the ninth I hurled a fast ball at him. I will never forget the puzzled wide-eyed look on his face as the trigger lock approached him at a high rate of speed. It hit him right between the eyes and he dropped like a piano fell on him. He was dead before he hit the ground!

    Smitty went on to say that he sure was glad he had his Gun-Blok trigger lock. “I don’t know what I would have done without it,” he said as he wandered back to the store.

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