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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Afghanistan
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    Default Humor Thread

    So it seems that we might need a new humor thread y'all, so I figured I'd start one. :D

    Here's an oldie but a goodie for ya!

    ================================================== ==============================

    Three friends, a priest, a Pentecostal minister and a rabbi got together two or three times a week for coffee and a chat.

    One day, one of them made a comment saying that preaching to people was not so difficult and that a real challenge would be to convert a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do the experiment:

    They would go into the forest, find a bear, preach to it and try to convert it to their respective faith.

    A week later they met to compare results.

    Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, several bandages all over his body and leaning on crutches, was the first:

    - Well, I went into the woods looking for the bear. When I met him, I began to read the catechism. The bear did not want to know anything about it and began to hit me with his huge arms. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him with it and by God and the Blessed Virgin, I swear he became meek as a lamb. The bishop will come next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in plaster and had serum connected to the other arm. In his fiery speechhe reported:

    - WELL, brothers, you KNOW that WE do not sprinkle people! When I found the bear I began to read the sacred words of the LORD. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I grabbed his arm and we began to fight. We rolled down the hill, then continue to struggle as we ROLLED UPHILL and re-rolled down to finish in a stream. I then quickly shoved his head in the water and baptized his hairy soul. And just as it happened to you, -he said looking at the priest- the bear became meek as a lamb and we spent the day praising Jesus.

    The priest and the reverend looked at the rabbi, who lay in a hospital bed. He had casts over his whole body, various supplies of medicines all around him, was receiving blood intravenously and had monitors hooked up all over the room.

    He could barely speak but he looked at them and said:

    - In retrospect, I believe that circumcision was not the best way to try to convert the bear.

    S.
    "Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too." Voltaire

    "A mile-long rationalization of one's good intentions will not obscure or excuse an inch of violation." Tom Sotis

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    7,978
    A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

    Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

    Preparing to write a check,

    She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

    And tries to write with it.

    When she realizes her mistake,

    She looks at the flabbergasted teller

    And without missing a beat, she says:

    'Well, that's great.... that's just great....







    Some azzhole's got my pen!

  3. #3
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    Jul 2010
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    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."


    The Federal government employs more advanced strategies:
    1. Buying a stronger whip.
    2. Changing riders.
    3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
    4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
    horses.
    5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
    6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
    7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
    8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
    9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
    10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
    the dead horse's performance.
    11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than live horses.
    12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
    13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
    As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight. And it is in such twilight that we all must place fresh batteries in our NVGs, and our Aimpoint sites, to counter the allies of that darkness. - Base Bleed

    Keep your head down. Keep your eyes up. Resist the urge to be seen as important or special. Know your exits.~Sarah Conner

    Pacifists are the tyrant's dream come true. ~Michael Bauman

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
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    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with
    two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The
    game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
    'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
    ice chest and I take dem home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
    truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
    several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
    "When are you going to call them back?"
    "Call who back?"
    "The FISH!"
    "What fish?"
    As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight. And it is in such twilight that we all must place fresh batteries in our NVGs, and our Aimpoint sites, to counter the allies of that darkness. - Base Bleed

    Keep your head down. Keep your eyes up. Resist the urge to be seen as important or special. Know your exits.~Sarah Conner

    Pacifists are the tyrant's dream come true. ~Michael Bauman

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    NWFL
    Posts
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    How do you make a dead puppy float?














    Two scoops of ice cream and two scoops of dead puppy.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Texas
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    1,218
    Four friends from high school who hadn't seen each other in years decided to get together at one of their homes.. After catching up on what they had been doing since the old days, they got to bragging on their dogs.

    The Engineer called his dog over. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to The Engineer's brief case, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

    The Accountant said his dog could do better. "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone was suitably impressed.

    But The Chemist said his dog could go one better. He commanded, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure went in the kitchen, grabbed a quart of milk and a 10 ounce glass, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was excellent.

    Finally it was the Civil Servant's turn. He told the others "You ain't seen nothing yet." He kicked his sleeping hound off the couch and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!"

    Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, slurped down the milk, crapped on the paper, tried to hump the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and took the rest of the day off on sick leave.

  7. #7
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    Dec 2003
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    In a positive state of mind
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    Stolen from facebook with thanks to Aggro Santos - Cat hears about Lesbos.jpg

  8. #8
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  9. #9
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    Jun 2007
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    Washington State
    Posts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Faramir View Post
    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with
    two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The
    game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
    'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
    ice chest and I take dem home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
    truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After
    several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" Said the Cajun.
    "When are you going to call them back?"
    "Call who back?"
    "The FISH!"
    "What fish?"
    LMAO: Diz be one smahrt kay-juhn bahyoo bubba!!
    Ted Demosthenes
    Suarez International Staff Instructor

    2019 Classes:
    CRG-1, Pistol Gunfighting, August 24-25, 2019 Olympia, WA


    From Murphy: "Incoming has the right-of-way" (so, GTFOTX!!)


  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Houston,Tx.
    Posts
    26
    this has happened to a doctor I once knew, funny stuff

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