After Jesse died many people were worried about me knocking myself off as I blamed myself. I just can't stop the hurt that way. Too many people that are already hurting would be hurt even more and I can't do that to them. I also have that Roman Catholic up bringing and in the back of my head I think if I did I would not get to see my son. Which is funny because I have had several friends who had committed suicide and I don't believe they are in hell.

I am usually a glass half full type of guy. In 08 I had 7 operations and spent about 3 months total in the hospital. I almost died several times. I also had to have another two surgeries in 17 and 18. People go how horrible, but I look at it as I am alive, I am all hooked up, other that some shitty scars I am doing pretty good. Yondering saw me and know what ruff shape I was in. I can look at this and see positives.

I can't see any positives losing our son. My soul just hurts a lot. I am lucky I have a great wife and our relationship is strong, good friends, and a huge support group. I think what now God? What do you have in store for us? Taking myself out is just not one of those options Nor would Jesse want that either.

I am sorry so many post I have tied back to my loss. It is just every little thing reminds me of him.